Boundaries With a Narcissistic Mother: 40 Examples

The scene below is a composite, drawn from the kinds of experiences many daughters describe. It isn't one person's story.

You told her, kindly and clearly, that you didn't want to talk about your weight anymore. She said "Fine!" in that voice. Ten minutes later she said, "I'm only saying this because I love you, but those jeans..." You laughed it off, the way you always do, and spent the drive home furious at yourself.

Most daughters of narcissistic mothers have tried setting boundaries. Often what's missing isn't the words. It's the second half: what you'll do when she crosses it. This page has examples you can adapt, each with a consequence that's in your hands, not hers.

The short answer

A boundary is what you'll do, not what she has to do

This is the shift that makes boundaries hold. You can't control whether she criticizes you. You can control whether you stay on the phone while she does. Author Danu Morrigan puts the rule simply: a consequence "must always be something that is in your control to enact."

Karyl McBride, Ph.D., LMFT, suggests doing the thinking ahead of time. Her first holiday tip is "Think ahead about what boundaries you may have to set and keep." Most boundaries fail in the moment because we're making them up while upset.

So for each example below there's a line to say and a consequence to follow through on. Use the ones that fit and change the words so they sound like you.

Phone calls and texts

1. "I can talk for twenty minutes, then I need to go." Consequence: when the timer goes off, you go.
2. "I call on Sundays. During the week I'm not available." Consequence: weekday calls go to voicemail.
3. "If you start yelling, I'm going to hang up." Consequence: you hang up, calmly, every time.
4. "I'm not going to reply to texts after 9 p.m." Consequence: Do Not Disturb on, reply in the morning.
5. "I'll text you back when I can. I won't always answer right away." Consequence: you answer on your schedule.
6. "If you call five times in a row, I'm going to wait until the next day to call back." Consequence: you wait.

Topics

7. "I'm not discussing my weight." Consequence: you change the subject once. If she keeps going, you leave or end the call.
8. "I'm not going to talk about my marriage with you." Consequence: same.
9. "I'd rather not talk about Dad." Consequence: you redirect, then end the conversation if needed.
10. "I'm not going to discuss what my sister said about me." Consequence: you don't carry messages either way.
11. "My job is going fine. What's new with you?" Consequence: you simply stop sharing details.
12. "I've made my decision about that." Consequence: you don't reopen it.

Visits

13. "We'll come from two to five." Consequence: you leave at five.
14. "We're staying at a hotel this time." Consequence: no overnight in her house.
15. "Please call before you come over." Consequence: if she drops in, you don't open the door, or you say "This isn't a good time" and keep it short.
16. "Let's meet at the cafe." Consequence: you suggest neutral places and stick to them.
17. "If it turns into a fight, we're going to head home." Consequence: you head home.

Your kids

18. "Please don't comment on her weight or her food." Consequence: you step in, then leave if it continues.
19. "We don't give sweets before dinner. Please respect that." Consequence: you remove the treats and remind her once.
20. "Please don't post photos of the kids online." Consequence: you stop sending photos if she does.
21. "The kids won't be staying over right now." Consequence: visits are with you there.
22. "Please don't talk about me in front of the children." Consequence: you end the visit.

McBride's guidance for holidays applies all year: "If you have children, keep guard closely so the kids are always protected from judgment."

Your partner

23. "Please don't criticize Sam. If it continues, we'll leave." Annie Wright, LMFT, offers a similar script: "We won't speak about my husband that way. If it continues, we'll need to leave."
24. "Sam and I make that decision together." Consequence: you don't negotiate it with her alone.
25. "If you have a concern about Sam, you can talk to him." Consequence: you don't relay it.

Holidays and big days

26. "We'll do Christmas Eve with you and Christmas Day at home." Consequence: you hold the plan, even when she calls about it.
27. "We're hosting this year." Consequence: you don't go to hers.
28. "I'm not going to make a speech at the party." Consequence: you don't.
29. "We'll open gifts at home." Consequence: you take them home unopened.

Our Thanksgiving and Christmas pages have more holiday-specific scripts.

Money and gifts

30. "I can't lend money anymore." Consequence: you don't, even in a crisis call. You can point her to other help.
31. "That's generous, but we can't accept it." Consequence: you return or decline big gifts that come with strings.
32. "Please don't send money to the kids directly." Consequence: you manage what reaches them.
33. "I'm not able to cover that." Consequence: you don't pay, and you don't explain your budget.

Relatives and messages

34. "I'm not going to discuss my relationship with Mom." Consequence: you end that topic with relatives. (Wright's version: "I appreciate you caring about our family. I'm not going to discuss my relationship with Mom with you.")
35. "If Mom wants to tell me something, she can tell me herself." Consequence: you don't pass messages.
36. "I'm not taking sides." Consequence: you leave group chats or conversations that become about her.

Health, care and getting older

37. "I can drive you to appointments on Tuesdays." Consequence: other days, she uses a ride service or another relative.
38. "I'll help find a caregiver. I can't be the caregiver." Consequence: you help set it up, then step back.
39. "I'll call the doctor's office with you, but I won't be on the phone every day." Consequence: you keep to that schedule.
40. "I'm not moving back in." Consequence: you don't, and you don't debate it.

How to say it so it holds

Keep it short. Wright's advice: "Keep the sentence short. Long explanations invite negotiation." The longer you talk, the more she has to argue with.

Say it once, then act. You don't need her to agree. Licensed therapist Nedra Glover Tawwab offers a line for when someone pushes back:

Warmth is allowed. A boundary doesn't have to be cold. Tawwab's example, from an interview with Oprah Daily, shows how to keep both love and a limit in one sentence:

Be consistent. Sarah Epstein, LMFT, writes that boundaries "don't have to be dramatic to be effective. But they do have to be consistent." A boundary that holds four times out of five teaches her that pushing works.

When she pushes back

She probably will. She may get angry, cry, go silent, tell your siblings, or "forget." Tawwab is honest that this is part of it: a boundary "may not always be respected. It may not be liked." That doesn't make it wrong.

What helps:

• Follow through the first time. The first follow-through is when she learns you mean it.
• Don't re-explain. "I've already said what I need" is enough.
• Expect a surge. Wright: "Right after you set a real boundary, things often get louder before they get quieter." If it turns into gifts, crises or surprise visits, see hoovering.
• Notice the guilt without obeying it. That pull of fear, obligation and guilt has a name, FOG. It's also the title of the film by the filmmakers behind this site.

When boundaries aren't enough

Some mothers respect a few limits after a while, even if they grumble. Others run over every one, every time. If that's what's happening, it may be time to think about how often you're in contact, not just how. Going low contact is one option. No contact is another. Neither is a failure. They're just different ways of protecting the same things.

If her response includes threats, stalking or violence, it's a safety issue, not a boundary issue. Start with our resources page and the hotlines below.

For the bigger picture, see how to have a relationship with a narcissistic mother and the four options and how to choose.