Option 4: Family therapy (counseling together)
Some daughters try family therapy, or counseling together, with a narcissistic mother. When joint sessions can help, when they tend not to, and how to protect yourself if you try.
Before deciding anything else, some daughters want to try one more thing: sitting in a room with their mother and a therapist. It's the option with the most hope attached, and often the most disappointment. Both the author and the clinician quoted here are cautious about it, and clear that it can make sense in some situations.
What it means
Danu Morrigan, author of You're Not Crazy – It's Your Mother, lists three options and then adds this one, with a hedge:
"There's another option, kinda, which is one that a number of DONMs take, and that is to suggest to their narcissistic mother that she and they go to counselling together."
— Danu Morrigan, You're Not Crazy – It's Your Mother (DLT, 2012), ch. 5. ("DONMs" is her shorthand for daughters of narcissistic mothers.)Karyl McBride, Ph.D., a licensed marriage and family therapist, calls the hopeful version "Therapeutic Resolution":
"Some parents with less narcissistic traits are open to family therapy and this can be very effective with the right therapist. It can only be done, though, if the parent is accountable and wants to work through family issues and childhood pain."
— Karyl McBride, Ph.D., LMFT, "Narcissistic Parents: Contact or Not?" (Psychology Today)When it tends not to work
In a later article, McBride lists the traits that tend to get in the way, including a lack of empathy, a lack of accountability, and always needing to be right:
"These destructive traits tend to be the ones that interfere with successful family therapy and could leave you feeling more frustrated, disappointed, full of angst, and sad."
— Karyl McBride, Ph.D., LMFT, "Should You Take Your Narcissistic Parent to Family Therapy?" (Psychology Today)Her advice is to judge by where your family falls on the spectrum: "Find a seasoned and licensed family therapist if your family can be accountable and provide empathy for each individual person in the family system." If that doesn't describe your mother, she suggests the work may be yours alone: "Recovery for adult children of narcissists is, in many cases, an inside job."
What it costs, in Morrigan's words
"Her motivation will be to get you fixed, so that you get back to being her biddable daughter."
— Danu Morrigan, You're Not Crazy – It's Your Mother (DLT, 2012), ch. 5She doesn't expect it to repair things, but she sees a reason to try anyway: "it still can be worth it for letting you know that you have done all possible to repair the relationship."
If you try it
- Choose the therapist yourself. Morrigan: "make sure that you pick the therapist." Look for a licensed family therapist who understands narcissistic family dynamics.
- Have your own therapist too. McBride's advice is to "put your therapeutic needs first."
- Decide what "worth it" means before you start. Better communication about one issue? Knowing you tried? A full apology may not be realistic.
- Notice if sessions repeat the old pattern. If every session ends with you apologizing, that's information.
- Don't do this if you're afraid of her. If there's any history of violence or threats, joint sessions may not be safe. Talk to a professional first, and see our resources page.
Sources
- Danu Morrigan. You're Not Crazy – It's Your Mother. Darton, Longman and Todd, 2012, ch. 5. Google Books record. (Author, not a licensed clinician.)
- Karyl McBride, Ph.D., LMFT. "Narcissistic Parents: Contact or Not?" Psychology Today, May 15, 2011.
- Karyl McBride, Ph.D., LMFT. "Should You Take Your Narcissistic Parent to Family Therapy?" Psychology Today, March 21, 2022.
Guides in Family Therapy (Counseling Together)
Family Therapy With a Narcissistic Mother: What to Expect
Coming soon.
Coming soon