Option 2: Low contact
Going low contact with a narcissistic mother means deciding how often, how long and in what format she reaches you. What it looks like, how to start, and what it costs.
Low contact is the middle of the spectrum. You don't disappear, and you don't stay endlessly available either. You decide ahead of time how much access she gets, and you hold that line.
What it means
On her website, Danu Morrigan, author of You're Not Crazy – It's Your Mother, describes low contact as finding your own balance:
"I describe as the sweet spot between how little you'd like to see her, and how much you are obliged to see her."
— Danu Morrigan, "Low Contact", daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.comAnnie Wright, LMFT, sees it as the choice many women never knew they had:
"Low contact is the third option nobody handed them."
— Annie Wright, LMFT, "Going Low Contact With a Narcissistic Parent: A Step-by-Step Guide"What it can look like
- A schedule you choose. One call a week. A visit a month. Holidays, but not every holiday. Wright: "You're the one holding the dial now."
- A format you choose. Texts instead of calls, calls instead of visits, visits somewhere neutral instead of her house.
- Structure, decided in advance. Wright: "low contact holds best when it's structured rather than reactive."
- Quietly, or announced. Morrigan describes both: "There are two ways to go LC. One is to just do it, and the other is to announce it." If you announce it, she suggests doing it in writing, so it's harder to be talked out of in the moment.
- Limits with consequences. If a call turns into an attack, you end it, every time.
What it costs, in Morrigan's words
"LC is hard to maintain… It opens the wounds each time. She'll no doubt get a dig in every time. You are constantly manning the boundaries."
— Danu Morrigan, You're Not Crazy – It's Your Mother (DLT, 2012), ch. 5Expect pushback at first. Wright's description: "Right after you set a real boundary, things often get louder before they get quieter." Guilt usually comes too. Wright's view is that "Guilt is a trained response, not proof you're wrong." And Morrigan gives a line many daughters lean on: "If one of us has to be upset, it doesn't have to be me."
When it may fit, and when it may not
Wright says low contact "tends to work well when a parent's behavior is harmful but not dangerous, and when you want to preserve some relationship or manage extended family expectations." If contact becomes threatening, she says that's "a signal to revisit whether low contact is still the right structure, or whether full no contact and additional safety planning are needed." See our resources page for safety support.
Low contact at the holidays is possible too. Wright: "You can attend on your own terms, with a time limit, a gray-rocked demeanor, and an exit plan." There's more in Holidays & Milestones.
Sources
- Danu Morrigan. "Low Contact". daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com.
- Danu Morrigan. You're Not Crazy – It's Your Mother. Darton, Longman and Todd, 2012, ch. 5. Google Books record. (Author, not a licensed clinician.)
- Annie Wright, LMFT. "Going Low Contact With a Narcissistic Parent: A Step-by-Step Guide". anniewright.com, 2026.
Guides in Low Contact
Going Low Contact With a Narcissistic Mother
Coming soon: just doing it vs announcing it, and what usually happens next.
Coming soon
Low Contact vs No Contact: How to Choose
Compare all four options side by side, including what each one costs.
Low Contact on Mother's Day
Coming soon.
Coming soon