My Narcissistic Mother Is Dying. Should I Visit?

The scene below is a composite, drawn from the kinds of experiences many daughters describe. It isn't one person's story.

The voicemail is from your aunt. "Your mother's in hospice. They're saying weeks. She's asking for you." You haven't spoken to your mother in four years. You listen to it three times in the parking lot at work. Part of you wants to drive there tonight. Part of you feels nothing at all, and that scares you more. By the time you get home you've heard every voice: you'll regret it forever, she'll use this one last time, what kind of daughter doesn't go?

If you're here, you may be facing one of the hardest versions of the question this site is about. There's no winning with her, even now. There is still choosing.

The short answer

First: is it safe, and is it real?

If your mother or anyone around her has been violent or threatening, your safety still comes first, at a bedside too. Don't go alone, and see our resources page.

It's also fair to ask whether the news is accurate, without feeling cruel for asking. Some mothers have used illness or emergencies to pull a daughter back before. If you can, check with someone you trust or ask whether you can speak to her care team directly. (Hospitals and hospices have privacy rules, so what they'll share may depend on whether you're listed as family contact.) Our page on hoovering covers sudden crises. Even if the illness is real, the pressure around it may still be the old pattern.

Questions to help you decide

Take a few minutes with a pen. There are no right answers, just honest ones.

1. What would I be going for? To say goodbye? To say something I need to say? To see her face once more? To be able to tell myself I went? Each is a real reason.
2. What am I hoping she'll do? If the honest answer is "apologize" or "finally see me," think about how likely that is. Sarah Epstein, LMFT, writing about reconnecting after estrangement: "While they may be standing in front of you, the person you truly want or need them to be may not be."
3. What's driving me: love, values, fear, or guilt? McBride writes that "If you are continually guided by guilt or ‘shoulding all over yourself,’ you will not necessarily make good decisions or be a considerate caregiver."
4. What does my body tell me? Panic at the thought, or a quiet "I want to go"?
5. Where am I in my own recovery? McBride believes these decisions come easier after the inner work of grief and separation, and that "the answers lie within each individual and family circumstance."
6. How will I feel looking back? Picture yourself years from now. Which choice can you live with? This isn't about avoiding regret at any cost. Every option may hold some. It's about which one fits your values.
7. Is there another way to say what I need to say? A letter or a call can sometimes carry a goodbye without a room full of relatives.

If you decide to visit

A plan protects you. Epstein's questions for meeting an estranged relative apply here: where you'll meet, how long you'll stay, and

A simple visit plan:

• Pick your purpose in one sentence before you walk in. "I'm here to say goodbye." "I'm here to tell her I hope she isn't in pain."
• Set a time limit, like 15 or 30 minutes. You can always stay longer if it's going well.
• Bring your own way home. Your own car, or a friend waiting outside.
• Bring someone, if you can. A partner or friend in the room or the hallway.
• Don't relitigate the past. A deathbed is rarely the place she'll finally hear it. If something needs to be said, say it once and stop.
• Leave if it turns. Cruelty, guilt-tripping in front of relatives, or a scene: you can say "I'm going to go now" and go.
• Plan the after. Epstein notes that "Many people feel an emotional hangover after interacting with estranged relatives." Have something gentle planned, and someone to call.

Lines you can use:

"I came because I wanted to see you. I'm not going to talk about the past today."

"I hope you're comfortable. I'm going to go now."

"I'm not able to stay longer. Take care, Mom."

If you decide to make contact without visiting

A phone or video call can be shorter and easier to end. A letter lets you say exactly what you mean, and you can ask a hospice nurse, chaplain or social worker to read it to her if she can't. Hospice teams often include social workers and chaplains who are used to complicated families. You can tell them as much or as little as you like: "We've been estranged. I'd like to send a message, but I won't be visiting."

If you decide not to go

That's a legitimate decision. McBride, who has worked with adult children of narcissistic parents across every kind of choice, writes:

And, about all of these choices: "We cannot judge another's path."

If you don't go, some daughters find it helps to mark the goodbye in their own way: a letter they keep, a candle, a walk, a conversation with a therapist. You can also choose later whether to go to a funeral or memorial; that's a separate decision.

When relatives, nurses or friends push

People may say "you'll regret it," "she's your mother," or "she's asking for you." They may mean well. You still don't owe them a debate. A few lines:

"I'm making the decision that's right for me. I'm not going to discuss it."

"Thank you for letting me know. I'll take it from here."

"I've said my goodbye in my own way."

More scripts are on what to say when people ask about your mom.

Whatever you choose, grief will probably come

Her death may bring grief you didn't expect, relief you feel guilty about, or both. Kaytee Gillis, LCSW, writing about the death of an estranged parent, says: "You have every right to feel sad, angry, resentful, or even guilty." Our page on grieving a mother who is still alive covers the grief that often starts long before. Having a therapist in place before she dies, if you can, may help with what comes after.

There's no winning with her, even now. There is choosing, and you're allowed to choose for you.

The film FOG, by the filmmakers behind this site, follows a daughter who goes home to scatter her father's ashes and has to decide whether staying “loyal” to her mother is worth losing herself.